I suppose I only blog when I'm pissed off. Right now I am in a very scary state of mind. I wonder if this is the way I should remain or just how I need to NOT be...my demons are suffocating me. They are too heavy for me to push away on my own, but there isn't a soul in this world that cares enough about me to even consider helping me. It doesn't matter. I've decided not to fight them any more. Away with innocence that only gets my heart broken. Enough with kindness that is seen as weakness. I'm sick of this shit. I'm alone, but I am not lonely. I need NO ONE. I will never be that vulnerable again. I have power over my life. Fuck everyone else. Fuck Jai, Jamal, Daddy, etc...
I start my full time hours next week at my job. Philip, one of my only "friends" at work told me that he makes about 700 dollars a paycheck but he gets few hours of over time here and there. If I can make that much, I can stay where I am and save money long enough to get a car. While I'm working, I will be going back to school, as I finally have enough money to get my transcripts and my application fee paid for. Perhaps it's wrong to want to shove my success in their faces, but I will...I want them to suffer as they have made me suffer. They killed my soul, or so they tried. I have news for them, I am well and ALIVE...and I will burn down any motherfucker who gets in my way. My new anthem is "No more mister nice guy" FUCK THEM FUCK THEM FUCK THEM. Now, for the first time in my life, it's all about me, me, me, me, me. HELL HATH NO FUCKING FURY LIKE A WOMAN'S SCORN. Revenge IS sweet...and it will be the icing on this cake called my future. I don't have to rub in in their faces, I just have to live it. And I shall, motherfuckers, I SHALL SUCCEED.
I am finally content in my own flesh...I AM A POWERHOUSE. Watch me, motherfuckers...watch me! I don't care...the pain I've had for so long is diminishing every day. Soon, I will be ready to fly. I have the power and finally the drive...all that's lacking the time to make every little thing perfect. Perfect body, perfect everything. KISS MY FUCKING ASS!!! I hope you suffer, just like you made me suffer...and I will laugh so merrily as I trample your heart and your soul and try to kill your spirit. But, where you could not succeed, I shall...and it will be fucking glorious.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Friday, August 30, 2013
A Little Bit of Understanding
Sitting here for the past few minutes, looking off into the distance as I think about what I should write. Does anything I have to say seem interesting enough to write about, much less read about? What do i really have to say? Am I afraid that my demons will start typing for me and that ever single truth I ever hid will suddenly be known to all? A part of me says "no, you're just afraid that people will find you boring" and I suppose that is a fear that every writer has when they are showing their work to anyone. But no one is really going to read this if only for the sheer fact that no one knows its here. Its not that I have something to tell anyone but more that I have something I want OUT OF ME.
I spent the better part of last night being depressed that Demon has lied to me yet again. You know that cartoon with the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other? That's kinda like me now only there is no devil or angel, just my realist and my dreamer. Perhaps I have a sort of multiple personality disorder. One moment I will be handling a situation in a certain way, with everything from body language to demeanor and "feelings" reflecting a sad, sobbing girl who only wants to be loved and needed. In a split second I am ME, alone against the world...planning my future without the thought or need for a man.
Like my situation with Demon: he has lied to me so many times, he has insulted my intelligence and he never keeps a promise. The dreamer in me says "well, maybe he will be good to you when such-and-such is over or when so-and-so is away from him" while the realist says "uh...no. he's a liar because he doesn't value you and he doesn't care". What's so confusing about the whole Demon thing is that he does things for me...he can be nice and caring and the only thing that he's ever broken were promises and my heart. I told him the other day "maybe we are meant to be just friends" (which, in witnessing his nonchalant shrug, I believe he couldn't care less and that all niceness from him is just his guilty conscious) but friends don't lie to you, either...not this much, anyways. When I found out that he cheated on me, I swore that I was finished with men. But as time passes, I realize that it's not love that I need to steer clear from, I just need to handle my emotions more carefully.
Life hasn't hardened me so much that I have given up on love, but it has made me wiser. The dreamer in me refuses to give up on finding "Mr. Right" but the realist's voice is getting louder by the day. I'm learning more about myself as I go along. The realist says "leave your heart open and be careful of how you use it. Being hard at first is better than being suicidal afterwards".
I spent the better part of last night being depressed that Demon has lied to me yet again. You know that cartoon with the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other? That's kinda like me now only there is no devil or angel, just my realist and my dreamer. Perhaps I have a sort of multiple personality disorder. One moment I will be handling a situation in a certain way, with everything from body language to demeanor and "feelings" reflecting a sad, sobbing girl who only wants to be loved and needed. In a split second I am ME, alone against the world...planning my future without the thought or need for a man.
Like my situation with Demon: he has lied to me so many times, he has insulted my intelligence and he never keeps a promise. The dreamer in me says "well, maybe he will be good to you when such-and-such is over or when so-and-so is away from him" while the realist says "uh...no. he's a liar because he doesn't value you and he doesn't care". What's so confusing about the whole Demon thing is that he does things for me...he can be nice and caring and the only thing that he's ever broken were promises and my heart. I told him the other day "maybe we are meant to be just friends" (which, in witnessing his nonchalant shrug, I believe he couldn't care less and that all niceness from him is just his guilty conscious) but friends don't lie to you, either...not this much, anyways. When I found out that he cheated on me, I swore that I was finished with men. But as time passes, I realize that it's not love that I need to steer clear from, I just need to handle my emotions more carefully.
Life hasn't hardened me so much that I have given up on love, but it has made me wiser. The dreamer in me refuses to give up on finding "Mr. Right" but the realist's voice is getting louder by the day. I'm learning more about myself as I go along. The realist says "leave your heart open and be careful of how you use it. Being hard at first is better than being suicidal afterwards".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)